Running for Governor
A few months ago I was nominated for Governor of the great state of New York, to run against Mr. John T. Smith and Mr. Blank J. Blank on an independent ticket. I somehow felt that I had one prominent advantage over these gentlemen, and that was–good character. It was easy to see by the newspapers that if ever they had known what it was to bear a good name, that time had gone by. It was plain that in these latter years they had become familiar with all manner of shameful crimes. But at the very moment that I was exalting my advantage and joying in it in secret, there was a muddy undercurrent of discomfort “riling” the deeps of my happiness, and that was–the having to hear my name bandied about in familiar connection with those of such people. I grew more and more disturbed. Finally I wrote my grandmother about it. Her answer came quick and sharp. She said:
几个月以前，我被提名为纽约州州长候选人，代表独立党参加竞选，对方是斯坦华特·L·伍福特先生和约翰·T·霍夫曼先生。我总觉得自己名声不错，同这两位先生相比，我有显著的优势。从报上很容易看出：如果说这两位先生也曾知道爱护名声的好处，那是过去的事情了，近年来他们显然已经把各种各样的无耻勾当看作家常便饭。当时，我虽然醉心于自己的长处，暗自得意，但是一想到我得让自己和这些人的名字混在一起到处传播，总有一股不安的混浊暗流在我愉快心情的深处“翻腾”。我心里越想越乱。后来我给我奶奶写了一封信，把这件事告诉她。她回信又快又干脆，她说：
You have never done one single thing in all your life to be ashamed of–not one. Look at the newspapers–look at them and comprehend what sort of characters Messrs. Smith and Blank are, and then see if you are willing to lower yourself to their level and enter a public canvass with them.
你生平没有做过一桩亏心事——一桩也没有做过。你看看报纸——看一看就会明白，伍福特和霍夫曼等先生是何等样人，看你愿不愿意把自己降低到他们的层次，跟他们一道竞选。
It was my very thought! I did not sleep a single moment that night. But, after all, I could not recede.
我正是这个想法！那天晚上我一夜没合眼。但是我毕竟不能打退堂鼓。我既然已经卷了进去，只好干下去。
I was fully committed, and must go on with the fight. As I was looking listlessly over the papers at breakfast I came across this paragraph, and I may truly say I never was so confounded before.
我一边吃早饭，一边无精打采地翻阅报纸。我看到有这么一段消息，老实说，我从来没有这样惊慌过：
PERJURY.–Perhaps, now that Mr. Mark Twain is before the people as a candidate for Governor, he will condescend to explain how he came to be convicted of perjury by thirty-four witnesses in Wakawak, Cochin China, in 1863, the intent of which perjury being to rob a poor native widow and her helpless family of a meager plantain-patch, their only stay and support in their bereavement and desolation. Mr. Twain owes it to himself, as well as to the great people whose suffrages he asks, to clear this matter up. Will he do it?
伪证罪——1863年，在交趾支那的瓦卡瓦克，有34名证人证明马克·吐温先生犯有伪证罪，企图侵占一小片芭蕉地，那是当地一位穷寡妇和她一群孤儿丧失亲人之后在凄惨的境遇中赖以活命的唯一资源。马克·吐温先生现在既然在众人面前出来竞选州长，是否可以请他讲讲此事的经过。吐温先生不论对自己或是对其要求投票选举他的伟大人民，都有责任把此事交代清楚。他愿意交代吗？
I thought I should burst with amazement! Such a cruel, heartless charge! I never had seen Cochin China! I never had heard of Wakawak! I didn’t know a plantain-patch from a kangaroo! I did not know what to do. I was crazed and helpless. I let the day slip away without doing anything at all. The next morning the same paper had this–nothing more:
我当时惊愕得不得了！这样残酷无情的指控。我从来没有到过交趾支那！我从来没有听说过瓦卡瓦克！我也不知道什么是芭蕉地，就像我不知道什么是袋鼠一样！我不知道怎么办才好。我都气疯了，却又毫无办法。那一天我什么也没干就这么过去了。第二天早晨，这家报纸没说别的，只有这么一句：
SIGNIFICANT.–Mr. Twain, it will be observed, is suggestively silent about the Cochin China perjury.
值得注意——大家都会注意到：马克·吐温先生对交趾支那的伪证案保持缄默，似有苦衷。
[Mem.–During the rest of the campaign this paper never referred to me in any other way than as “the infamous perjurer Twain.”]
（备忘——在这场竞选运动中，这家报纸此后凡提到我必称“臭名昭著的伪证犯吐温”。）
Next came the Gazette, with this:
下一份是《新闻报》，登了这么一段：
WANTED TO KNOW.–Will the new candidate for Governor deign to explain to certain of his fellow-citizens (who are suffering to vote for him!) the little circumstance of his cabin-mates in Montana losing small valuables from time to time, until at last, these things having been invariably found on Mr. Twain’s person or in his “trunk” (newspaper he rolled his traps in), they felt compelled to give him a friendly admonition for his own good, and so tarred and feathered him, and rode him on a rail; and then advised him to leave a permanent vacuum in the place he usually occupied in the camp. Will he do this?
急需查究——吐温先生在蒙大那州露营时，与他同一帐篷的伙伴经常丢失小东西，后来这些东西一件不少都在吐温先生身上或“箱子”（即他卷藏什物的报纸）里发现了。大家为他着想，不得不对他进行友好的告诫，在他身上涂满柏油，插上羽毛，叫他跨坐在横杆上，把他撵出去，并劝告他让出铺位，从此别再回来。这件小事是否请新州长候选人向急于要投他票的同胞们解释一下？他愿意解释吗？
Could anything be more deliberately malicious than that? For I never was in Montana in my life.
难道还有比这种控告用心更加险恶的吗？我一辈子也没有到过蒙大那州。
[After this, this journal customarily spoke of me as, “Twain, the Montana Thief.”]
（从此以后，这家报纸按例管我叫“蒙大那小偷吐温”。）
I got to picking up papers apprehensively–much as one would lift a desired blanket which he had some idea might have a rattlesnake under it. One day this met my eye:
于是，我拿起报纸总有点提心吊胆，好像你想睡觉，可是一拿起床毯，总是提心吊胆，生怕毯子下面有条蛇似的。有一天，我看到这么一段消息：
THE LIE NAILED.–By the sworn affidavits of Michael O’Flanagan, Esq., of the Five Points, and Mr. Snub Rafferty and Mr. Catty Mulligan, of Water Street, it is established that Mr. Mark Twain’s vile statement that the lamented grandfather of our noble standard-bearer, Blank J. Blank, was hanged for highway robbery, is a brutal and gratuitous LIE, without a shadow of foundation in fact. It is disheartening to virtuous men to see such shameful means resorted to to achieve political success as the attacking of the dead in their graves, and defiling their honored names with slander. When we think of the anguish this miserable falsehood must cause the innocent relatives and friends of the deceased, we are almost driven to incite an outraged and insulted public to summary and unlawful vengeance upon the traducer. But no! let us leave him to the agony of a lacerated conscience (though if passion should get the better of the public, and in its blind fury they should do the traducer bodily injury, it is but too obvious that no jury could convict and no court punish the perpetrators of the deed).
谎言已被揭穿——根据五点区的密凯尔·奥弗拉纳报先生、华脱街的吉特·彭斯先生和约翰·艾伦先生三位的宣誓证书，现已证明马克·吐温先生曾恶毒声称我们尊贵的领袖约翰·T·霍夫曼的祖父系拦路抢劫被处绞刑一说，纯属卑劣无端之谎言，毫无事实根据。用毁谤故人、以谰言玷污其美名这种下流手段来掠取政治上的成功，使有道德的人见了甚为痛心。我们一想到这一卑劣的谎言必然会使死者无辜的亲友蒙受极大悲痛时，恨不得鼓动起被伤害和被侮辱的公众，立即对诽谤者施行非法地报复。但是，我们不这样做，还是让他去经受良心谴责的痛苦吧。（不过，公众如果气得义愤填膺，盲目行动起来，竟对诽谤者加以人身伤害，显然陪审团不可能对肇事者判罪，法庭也不可能加以惩处。）
The ingenious closing sentence had the effect of moving me out of bed with despatch that night, and out at the back door also, while the “outraged and insulted public” surged in the front way, breaking furniture and windows in their righteous indignation as they came, and taking off such property as they could carry when they went. And yet I can lay my hand upon the Book and say that I never slandered Mr. Blank’s grandfather. More: I had never even heard of him or mentioned him up to that day and date.
最后这句妙语大起作用，当天晚上“被伤害和被侮辱的公众”从前门冲进来，吓得我赶紧从床上爬起来，打后门溜走。他们义愤填膺，来的时候捣毁家具和门窗，走的时候把能抄走的财物统统抄走。然而，我可以把手按在《圣经》上起誓：我从来没有诽谤过霍夫曼州长的祖父。不仅如此，在那一天之前，我从来没有听人说起过他，我自己也没有提到过他。
[I will state, in passing, that the journal above quoted from always referred to me afterward as “Twain, the Body-Snatcher.”]
（顺便提一下，刊登上述新闻的那家报纸此后总是称我为“盗尸犯吐温”。）
The next newspaper article that attracted my attention was the following:
下一篇引起我注意的报上文章是这样写的：
A SWEET CANDIDATE.–Mr. Mark Twain, who was to make such a blighting speech at the mass-meeting of the Independents last night, didn’t come to time! A telegram from his physician stated that he had been knocked down by a runaway team, and his leg broken in two places–sufferer lying in great agony, and so forth, and so forth, and a lot more bosh of the same sort. And the Independents tried hard to swallow the wretched subterfuge, and pretend that they did not know what was the real reason of the absence of the abandoned creature whom they denominate their standard-bearer. A certain man was seen to reel into Mr. Twain’s hotel last night in a state of beastly intoxication. It is the imperative duty of the Independents to prove that this besotted brute was not Mark Twain himself. We have them at last! This is a case that admits of no shirking. The voice of the people demands in thunder tones, “WHO WAS THAT MAN?”
好一个候选人——马克·吐温先生原定于昨晚独立党民众大会上作一次毁损对方的演说，却未按时到会。他的医生打来一个电报，说是他被一辆疯跑的马车撞倒，腿部两处负伤，极为痛苦，无法起身，以及一大堆诸如此类的废话。独立党的党员们硬着头皮想把这一拙劣的托词信以为真，假装不知道他们提名为候选人的这个放任无度的家伙未曾到会的真正原因。
昨天晚上，分明有一个人喝得酩酊大醉，歪歪斜斜地走进吐温先生下榻的旅馆。独立党人刻不容缓，有责任证明那个醉鬼并非马克·吐温本人。这下我们到底把他们抓住了。这一事件不容躲躲闪闪，避而不答。人民用雷鸣般的呼声要求回答：“那个人是谁？”
It was incredible, absolutely incredible, for a moment, that it was really my name that was coupled with this disgraceful suspicion. Three long years had passed over my head since I had tasted ale, beer, wine or liquor of any kind.
把我的名字果真与这个丢脸的嫌疑人联系在一起，一时叫我无法相信，绝对叫我无法相信。我已经有整整3年没有喝过啤酒、葡萄酒或任何一种酒了。
[It shows what effect the times were having on me when I say that I saw myself, confidently dubbed “Mr. Delirium Tremens Twain” in the next issue of that journal without a pang–notwithstanding I knew that with monotonous fidelity the paper would go on calling me so to the very end.]
（这家报纸第二天大胆地授予我“酗酒狂吐温先生”的称号，而且我明白它会忠诚无二地永远这样称呼下去，但是，我当时看了竟无动于衷，现在想来，足见这种时势对我起了多大的影响。）
By this time anonymous letters were getting to be an important part of my mail matter. This form was common:
到那时候，我所收到的邮件中，匿名信占了重要的部分。一般是这样写的：
How about that old woman you kiked of your premises which was beging. POL. PRY.
被你从你寓所门口一脚踢开的那个要饭的老婆子，现在怎么样了？
包打听
And this:
还有这样写：
There is things which you have done which is unbeknowens to anybody but me. You better trot out a few dols, to yours truly, or you’ll hear through the papers from HANDY ANDY.
你干的有些事，除我之外无人知晓，奉劝你掏出几元钱来孝敬老子，不然，咱们报上见。
惹不起
This is about the idea. I could continue them till the reader was surfeited, if desirable.
大致是这类内容。读者如果想听，我可以不断引用下去，保你腻烦。
Shortly the principal Republican journal “convicted” me of wholesale bribery, and the leading Democratic paper “nailed” an aggravated case of blackmailing to me.
不久，共和党的主要报纸“宣判”我犯了巨额贿赂的罪行，民主党最主要的报纸把一桩极为严重的讹诈案件“栽”在我的头上。
[In this way I acquired two additional names: “Twain the Filthy Corruptionist” and “Twain the Loathsome Embracer.”]
（这样我又多了两个头衔：“肮脏的贿赂犯”和“恶心的讹诈犯”。）
By this time there had grown to be such a clamor for an “answer” to all the dreadful charges that were laid to me that the editors and leaders of my party said it would be political ruin for me to remain silent any longer. As if to make their appeal the more imperative, the following appeared in one of the papers the very next day:
这时候舆论哗然，纷纷要我答复所有这些可怕的指控。我们党的报刊主编和领袖们都说，我如果再不说话，政治生命就要完蛋。好像为使他们的要求更为迫切似的，就在第二天，有一家报纸登了这么一段话：
BEHOLD THE MAN!–The independent candidate still maintains silence. Because he dare not speak. Every accusation against him has been amply proved, and they have been indorsed and reindorsed by his own eloquent silence, till at this day he stands forever convicted. Look upon your candidate, Independents! Look upon the Infamous Perjurer! the Montana Thief! the Body-Snatcher! Contemplate your incarnate Delirium Tremens! your Filthy Corruptionist! your Loathsome Embracer! Gaze upon him–ponder him well–and then say if you can give your honest votes to a creature who has earned this dismal array of titles by his hideous crimes, and dares not open his mouth in denial of any one of them!
注意这个人！——独立党这位候选人至今默不作声。因为他不敢答复。对他的控告条条都有充分根据，并且为他满腹隐衷的沉默所一而再、再而三地证实，现在他永远翻不了案。独立党的党员们，看看你们这位候选人！看看这位臭名昭著的伪证犯！这位盗尸犯！好好看一看你们这位酗酒狂的化身！你们这位肮脏的贿赂犯！你们这位恶心的讹诈犯！你们好好看一看，想一想——这个家伙犯下了这么可怕的罪行，得了这么一串倒霉的称号，而且一条也不敢张嘴否认，看你们愿不愿意把自己正当的选票去投给他！
There was no possible way of getting out of it, and so, in deep humiliation, I set about preparing to “answer” a mass of baseless charges and mean and wicked falsehoods. But I never finished the task, for the very next morning a paper came out with a new horror, a fresh malignity, and seriously charged me with burning a lunatic asylum with all its inmates, because it obstructed the view from my house. This threw me into a sort of panic. Then came the charge of poisoning my uncle to get his property, with an imperative demand that the grave should be opened. This drove me to the verge of distraction. On top of this I was accused of employing toothless and incompetent old relatives to prepare the food for the foundling hospital when I was warden. I was wavering–wavering. And at last, as a due and fitting climax to the shameless persecution that party rancor had inflicted upon me, nine little toddling children, of all shades of color and degrees of raggedness, were taught to rush onto the platform at a public meeting, and clasp me around the legs and call me PA!
我没有办法摆脱这个困境，只得深受委屈地着手“答复”一大堆毫无根据的指控和卑鄙下流的谎言。但是我始终没有做完这件事情，因为就在第二天，有一家报纸登出一个新的耸人听闻的案件，再一次恶意中伤，严厉地控告我因一家疯人院妨碍我家的人看风景，我就将这座疯人院烧掉，把里面的病人统统烧死。这叫我十分惊慌。接着又是一个控告，说我为吞占我叔父的财产不惜把他毒死，并且要求立即挖开坟墓验尸。这叫我神经都快错乱了。这一些还不够，竟有人控告我在负责育婴堂事务时雇用掉了牙的、年老昏庸的亲戚给育婴堂做饭。我都快吓晕了。最后，党派斗争的积怨对我的无耻迫害达到了自然而然的高潮：有人教唆九个刚刚在学走路的小孩，包括各种不同的肤色，穿着各式各样的破烂衣服，冲到一次民众大会的讲台上来，抱住我的双腿，管我叫爸爸！
I gave it up. I hauled down my colors and surrendered. I was not equal to the requirements of a Gubernatorial campaign in the state of New York, and so I sent in my withdrawal from the candidacy, and in bitterness of spirit signed it, “Truly yours, once a decent man, but now
我放弃了竞选。我退出，我投降。我够不上纽约州州长竞选运动所需要的条件，所以，我递上退出竞选的声明，而且怀着怨恨、痛苦的心情签上我的名字：
“MARK TWAIN, I.P., M.T., B.S., D.T., F.C., and L.E.”
“你忠实的朋友，过去是好人，现在却成了臭名昭著的伪证犯、蒙大那小偷、盗尸犯、酗酒狂、肮脏的贿赂犯和恶心的讹诈犯——马克·吐温。”